The Spirit of Magnolia

Blessed Beyond Measure

2009-02-17T15:01:00.004-06:00

Our little bundle of joy decided that she wanted to make her grand entrance almost 5 weeks early!

January 21st

5lb 8z

19.25in

She is PERFECT!

I've been enjoying motherhood more than I had ever imagined...

I could spend DAYS just staring at her!

Words escape me .... she just takes my breath away! (her Daddy thinks so too!)

She is living proof that miracles do happen!

I thank God everyday for allowing us to be a part of this miracle!

... and holding ...

2008-12-14T18:47:00.002-06:00

... 30 weeks and 1 day ....

Never, in my WILDEST dreams, did I ever think I would be at this place in my life.
I still find it hard to believe that we are pregnant!!! I think Ive been so damaged from our past losses that I cant even fathom that we will be welcoming a new life into this world ... SOON!!

We are so very thankful for this blessing. We are not taking a moment of this for granted. I thank God every day and night for this opportunity. We are just in awe of the experience!

We had our last "baby class" this weekend. It was Birth Preparation (breathing, relaxation techniques, what to expect, etc). Very informative! Now we are both VERY excited for the next step - LABOR!!

I am hoping for a drug-free natural childbirth ... but am keeping my mind open since you never know what will happen. I just really want to experience EVERYTHING and not miss anything. If I get drugged up I'm scared that I will be numb to part of the beauty of birth. I'm also TERRIFIED that labor will feel like my past miscarriages and bring back all those horrible feelings to the surface. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see how it goes...

All I know for sure is that since this pregnancy was completely unexpected we can't be sure that it will happen again. Because this will probably be our only shot at a biological child we must TREASURE every second. In these circumstances I am thankful for the enlightenment that my previous losses have given me. Had I not experienced the losses then I would probably not be cherishing every moment as I have been doing. Every ache, pain, twinge, creak, discomfort, nauseousness, etc. I LOVE THEM ALL! It makes me feel alive with life!!!

I feel so sad when I talk with pregnant women that complain about the experience. It reinforces to me that people that have never experienced loss or life in the "Land of IF" have NO IDEA the extent of the gift they have been given! Well, I shouldn't say all of them ... I'm sure there are a few out there that realize how lucky they are .... (I hope!).. unfortunately the ones I have been in contact with recently are clueless!

Holding our breath...

2008-10-21T20:44:00.002-06:00

22wks and 4 days .... and counting .....

I have been holding my breath for months now .... but everything is progressing beautifully!
Im still terrified but hopeful. I dont think that the fear of MC will ever go away... I mean how could it! It ruled my life for so many years ... it has become a part of me ...

I feel her move frequently throughout the day ... but it still seems surreal.... like its happening to someone else ... (We didnt want to know gender but the Dr slipped and told us ... its a GIRL!!!!)

I just keep praying that she continues to grow strong and healthy (Dr estimates she's 1 lb 11 inches now) and I keep thanking God for all the blessings in my life. We have been blessed beyond measure ....

Something I thought Id never see again ...

2008-08-08T16:15:00.003-06:00

Well, our world has turned upside down again ....
Shortly after posting my last post ... this happened ...

Yep - it's true..... OMG !!!!!

We decided to keep it quiet, with my miscarriage history who could blame us ... besides, we have this amazing little boy in Colombia waiting for us to finalize adoption paperwork!

This week everything changed.... Ive had 2 Dr's tell me that it is too risky for me to travel to Colombia for the adoption - and one of Colombia's requirements is that both parents travel to the country.

Where does that leave us .... well, we have one of two options ... 1) we can return the referral and let him be adopted by someone else or 2) we can wait a few weeks and see if I M/C. If I don't M/C in the next few weeks we'd have to return the referral anyway.

THIS IS SO HARD!! He has already had to wait for so long because our immigration paperwork is taking forever - what right do we have to make him wait longer ... and then not even be sure if we can adopt him anyway (since I cant travel). Our social worker has given us the weekend to decide what we want to do .... what would you do?

ps - If Im still pregnant tomorrow it will mark the longest pregnancy Ive had so far.... (12 wks is my record)

ITS A BOY!!!!

2008-06-09T20:38:00.002-06:00

So much has happened - I just dont know where to start ..... my mind is focused on one thing and only one thing ....
WE HAVE A SON !

We received a referral last Wednesday ... and have officially accepted!!!!
WE HAVE A SON !

We have been blessed beyond measure!!!
WE HAVE A SON !

(I will write more later when I can actually think straight!)

Hola Colombia

2008-05-23T19:32:00.002-06:00

WOW - Things sure can change in a matter of days ...

On May 8th I got an email from our Peru program coordinator telling us that she mentioned us to an orphanage in Colombia ... and they were so intrigued that they wanted to hear more. They asked her to send them our home-study (which is still for domestic) and they loved it! They immediately asked her to ask us if we would be interested in applying to their orphanage. Our program coordinator assured us that it would be a quicker process with Colombia (apparently there are some issues between the US & Peru right now) and that the committee at the orphanage really seemed to like us (my DH is bilingual; he's an ESL teacher!)

Well ... we decided to pursue an adoption in Colombia with this orphanage.

Lots has happened since then ... they seem very anxious for us to get our approval from USCIS (we are too) .... and so we wait ....

FBI Clearance

2008-05-07T20:41:00.003-06:00

Today is a very happy day for us -
we received FBI clearance to adopt from Peru today!
This may not sound like a big deal BUT IT IS!!! :-)
This brings us one step closer to our child.

Next step is USCIS. We're just waiting for an updated home-study from our SW and then we can submit everything to immigration. (and then wait some more .... UGH!)

Even though this process seems to be taking forever ... I am trying to celebrate each and every milestone ... and today was a doosie!

We are on cloud-9! This is such a blessing!!!

IDIOT at work

2008-04-15T19:37:00.002-06:00

I am still dumbfounded as to what someone said to me today. I just cant believe someone would ever think this - let along actually VERBALIZE it ....

I was having difficulty locating a notary for some adoption paperwork today (the dossier paperwork required a specific type of stamp that is not the usual notary stamp). After making a ton of phone calls, to no avail, a coworker walked up to me and asked,
"Do you think this is God's way of telling you that you shouldn't adopt?"

What do you say to that?
My response: a strong "WHAT?" (while I picked my jaw up off the floor).
Her response: "It shouldn't be this difficult if it was what He wanted you to do".
My response: another strong "WHAT?" (as I bit my tongue so I wouldn't start SCREAMING at her). I informed her that this is what ALL adoptive parents must go through - its not just us!

I wanted to grab her and shake her!!!

To add insult to injury, this is the same coworker that pulled me aside earlier this month to tell me that she was 8-weeks pregnant (with her second child). She has been acting "Holier Than Thou" for weeks because God has blessed her with another child. Normally I would be happy for her but since she continually rubs my nose in it I REFUSE!!!

Don't get me wrong - I would not wish a miscarriage on ANYONE - EVER - but I cant help but wish that she could feel just a shred of the agony that Ive felt. I think she would change her tune then.

Ive said in the past that if biological parents had to go through the same things that adoptive parents had to go through then the birthrate would be cut in half.
Ive also said that adoptive parents are blessed to a higher degree than biological parents. I could be wrong on that one - but I'll never know since its highly unlikely that I'll ever be a biological parent and Im THRILLED about becoming an adoptive parent (hopefully SOON!)

HOLA PERU

2008-04-03T20:45:00.003-06:00

Today was a very big day!
IT'S OFFICIAL - WE ARE IN THE PERU PROGRAM!!!!

We met with our SW and the coordinator for Peru at our agency today. We met for almost 2 hrs! It was great - but there was so much information - I'm suffering from total overload now!

I don't want to jinx anything ... but ... it went REALLY GOOD .. I mean REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!! We are feeling very positive about our decision to dual-list with Peru. I think this will be it for us!!! (shhh - I'm scared I might jinx it!)

We went to get our passports started right after the meeting. We also got certified copies of our BC & ML. WHOO HOO! Cross those things off the list!

Now we need to fill out MORE FORMS and schedule physicals and psych evaluations! Yikes!
We also have to attend another seminar (Before I Joined Your Family) about adopting 1+yr olds via Int'l in a few weeks. Should be a good one!

I forgot how much I dread the forms! Oh well, at least we are being productive. This will bring us one step closer to our children!

On a somber note, even though today was such a positive day, I am still saddened by the MC I had 2yrs ago today. Its hard to believe that time has slipped by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday ....

Major Milestone / Full Circle

2008-04-01T18:31:00.002-06:00

Ive got some wonderful news to share!!! (No - we haven't been matched yet ...)

After my breakdown last Friday, my DH has finally decided that he's ready to dual-list with an International program! WHOO HOO!!! Ive been praying for this moment for over a year!!!!!

His one request was that we picked a Spanish speaking country because he speaks Spanish.
That works for me! (looks like I'm going to learn Spanish now!)
After much thought and consideration ..... we picked .... PERU !

We have an appointment with our SW and the Peru coordinator this Thursday, April 3rd to get the ball rolling!

Now, if you've been reading this post you may remember that April 3rd is a very significant date for us. 4/3/08 will be the 2yr anniversary of my last MC; it will also be the 1yr anniversary of the day we signed with our adoption agency!!!
It seems only fitting that we dual-list with Peru on the same day we started the process for the Domestic program. This timing wasn't planned ... maybe its a sign ... I HOPE SO!!!

Luckily, this time around, we've already got a bunch of the paperwork done. We still have to get passports, etc. but our homestudy was done last Sept so it only needs to be tweaked to accommodate Peru requirements. That will save a TON of time! We're going to get our dossier paperwork completed in record time!

Wish us luck for a great meeting on Thursday!!! Im so excited I can hardly wait!!!

Revisiting a familiar pain...

2008-03-28T20:17:00.003-06:00

First, let me start by saying I'm not in a very good place right now. Let me also add that drinking is NEVER the answer. but . tonight... it did muffle the pain a bit ...... (ugh - I cant believe I just said that!) I'm a little numb by a beer and a large quantity of wine tonight ... and I hate to admit it - but it helped!
Let's just say that I couldn't wait for the Stirrup Queen Sperm Palace Jesters Virtual Lushery .... (If you've never been .. you really should try it!), so I had to settle for the real thing tonight....

Let me preface this by saying that in MN you never see your neighbors during the winter. People have a tendency to hibernate during the long, cold winters. Well, today .... it was actually pretty nice out. My DH and my DD (dear dog) took a long walk after work today. When we returned we ran into our next door neighbors ... who we haven't seen since fall due to the nasty winter we've had. As you can imagine we were very surprised to see her HUGE BELLY sticking out at us when we saw her. She's been PG for months and we never knew.

Granted, they know about our miscarriages and our adoption plans ... but they were oh so happy to see us tonight and inform us that it was all a big surprise for them (yep - order up that salt - right over here ) and that they weren't even trying (ok - rub that salt in just a little more why dont'ha - more pressure please) it just seemed to happen this time all on its own (skip the salt - just insert knife and turn... then turn again and again and again).
Keep in mind that they already have two of the most adorable girls anyone could ever hope for ... oh ... and by the way ... this time they found out early .. it's a boy. (but of course it is!)
(disclaimer - these are the most amazing neighbors ever and we love them dearly. I'm just a crazy infertile ranting because, yet again, I am reminded of what I will never have... and am now aware that I will be reminded of it all summer until the baby comes)

WHY DOES EVERYONE AROUND ME GET PREGNANT (& STAY PREGNANT!!!)!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since we've built this house Ive had three - yes, three miscarriages - but I was privileged enough to live through ALL my neighbors having babies (lucky me!).
First there was the neighbor across the street that had a boy, then my neighbor next door had a girl, then my other neighbor across the street had a girl, then my other next door neighbors had their first grandchild, then my original neighbor across the street had ANOTHER boy, and now my neighbor next door is due with a boy this summer! Not to mention the neighbor behind me had a boy last year and a multitude of neighbors in the area are having a gazillion kids - all while I GET NOTHING!

Yep - I'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. and. yep - Ive been crying for the past 4 hours. THIS SUCKS!!!!
This makes two separate neighbors that will have had two babies EACH all while we've been waiting for one adoption! How can that be fair!!! ARG!!!!!!!!

OK - now don't get me wrong - I am elated that they are so blessed ... I'm just feeling HORRID that we are so cursed.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel tonight .... I'm just going to go to bed a sleep it off. Perhaps things will look better in the morning..... (I sure hope so ......) Will this pain ever end??????

A new meaning for the word PAIN

2008-03-27T21:15:00.002-06:00

After 7 long years of suffering to work up my courage to do it ... I finally had my tonsils removed!

Surgery was on 2/27/08, a month ago today, and I'm STILL recovering! I was able to go back to work 2wks after surgery but I'm still not 100% yet. Luckily, each day gets a little better than the last.

If you (or someone you know) is in their late 30's and is contemplating having their tonsils removed .... be really really sure that you are ready for a pain like nothing you've ever experienced (and make sure you take, at the very least, a 2-week vacation from everything!)

Granted, I am absolutely thrilled that I finally had the surgery. I can already tell that it has changed my life - for the better! Especially after the surgeon said that once he got my tonsils out they were "more nasty then he had originally thought". (YIKES!)

Now the really scary part ....
I cant help but wonder, in the very back dark places of my mind, that my toxic tonsils were poisoning my body and were ultimately the root cause of my miscarriages. Could it be that simple???

After years passing and finally deciding on adoption instead of ttsp (trying to stay pregnant), I find it odd that I'm still trying to find someone (or something) to blame for my miscarriages! If only the Dr's could have told me WHY... maybe then I could let it go .... UGH - I hate feeling like this..... I wonder if it will ever go away ....

A band-aid cure for waiting

2008-02-01T22:04:00.000-06:00

I feel awful! Its been AGES since I posted.
Originally I thought Id be posting frequently ... but ... I guess life just got in the way.
Life ... now that word, in and of itself, is remarkable. For years my life revolved around trying to get or stay pregnant. Now that "life" is in the past. Its so weird to have switched gears so completely and joined LIFE again. I didnt think Id be able to, but here I am, busy as ever and enjoying every minute of it!

What's been happening, you ask ... Well, I am frequently asked, by just about everyone these days, "How do you deal with the wait?"
You know the saying ... If I had a dime for every time , etc.... Well, lets just say Id be rolling in money right about now. Im sure anyone reading this can relate. :-)
At first the wait was hard, the unknown is always a bit scary, but I found a GREAT band-aid cure - I went back to school! Now Im so busy with homework I dont have time to dwell on "the wait" [chuckle]. Id be lying if I didnt say it was still always at the back of my mind though ... hiding out waiting for just the right moment to sneak out and throw a wrench in things. I wonder if that will ever go away?

Nothing new to report on the adoption. No bites on our profile ... not a one.

We got one email in our adoption inbox, which sent both of us to our knees in anticipation, until we viewed it and found it was one of those garbage chain mail letters. UGH! What a HUGE letdown!!! That should be illegal!

On a happy note - the first family from our small group (PAC) left today to go get their daughter in Ethiopia. What an amazing adventure! I kinda wish I could be a fly-on-the-wall when they get there. That will be the experience of a lifetime!

HOME STUDY APPROVED !

2007-09-03T09:53:00.000-06:00

Those 3 little words are music to my ears!

Yep - its true - our social worker has approved us!
We're on to the next stage.....
... writing our "Dear Birthmother" letter....

UGH - this is a toughy!
I thought that the Self-Study was hard. I was wrong ... so wrong ...
How do you draft a letter to someone you know absolutely nothing about asking to parent their child?
(any suggestions would be appreciated!)

Ive purchased a bunch of books on the topic but its still so hard!
My DH has already finished one draft but its a bit too sterile for my liking. We're going to dive into it again today with the hopes of finishing it today (lofty goal).

I even went to Archivers to get some fun paper to scan in and crop for accents. I think designing the letter will be a blast!

Wish us luck!

Openess Seminar

2007-08-12T09:15:00.000-06:00

August 9-10, 2007
Openness in Adoption
This is the required 2-day seminar for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program at our agency.

WOW - What a great seminar! We went with open minds and were amazed at the information that was provided. Our agency does a FABULOUS job pushing you to explore new ways of thinking. It really was a powerful 2 days.

The spotlight of the first day was the "Adoption Panel". This panel consisted of a birthmom, her parents, the adopted child, and the adoptive parents (and their 2 other children). They told their story and then we were able to ask questions. Everyone in the room was glued to every word. (I was a little disappointed that the birthmom was the same one that we met during PAC. I was hoping to hear someone elses story. Oh well, it was still good info!)

The second day was a full one. We had multiple sessions dealing with openness, diversity, cultural awareness, and writing a profile/Dear Birthmother letter. There was also a session during which a lawyer talked about the legal process (and risks). We got his card for future use!

All-in-all it was wonderful experience. We really learned a TON!

Now, we are in the process of drafting our own profile/letter.
My DH had already started it before the seminar so we've got a head start. There really is a lot to consider when writing such and important letter. Ive purchased a few books on the subject to help us make the most impactful letter we can. Its fun - yet scary. This is the MOST IMPORTANT letter we will ever write. How do you put your heart on a piece of paper?

Timing is everything. Laura told us that they are currently working with 12 potential birthmothers. If we get our profile/letter done soon it will be viewed by the 12!
(no pressure.... yeah right!)

Home Study - pt 2

2007-08-12T09:09:00.000-06:00

Aug 7th - Laura met us at our house for the home-visit. She walked in the front door and we sat at the kitchen table and talked. She never even went thru the house! (all that cleaning for nothing! :-))
I had given our dog a new bone right before Laura got there hoping that she would be calm. IT WORKED! She was so mellow! I was OVERJOYED! (she is getting a steakbone tonight!)

The home-visit lasted about an hour. It was very relaxed. She said that she would let us review the final report before she submitted it. We can hardly wait!!!
It feels so good to have that part of the journey behind us.

Next Step : the 2 day Openness Seminar Aug 9-10.

Home Study - pt 1

2007-08-12T08:46:00.000-06:00

Wow - what a whirlwind! Things have been going FULL STEAM AHEAD lately.

We had our first meeting with Laura at the agency Aug 1st. Needless to say we were a bit nervous - but - it couldnt have gone better if we tried! She said straight off that from what she had seen/read that we were already approved - the meetings were just a formality. (WHOO HOO!)

We met for about 2 hrs just reviewing our self-study and getting to know each other better. After a few minutes we were comfortable (as comfortable as can be expected while digging thru memories with a complete stranger!) She is a wonderful person and we feel lucky to get her!

Our 2nd meeting was scheduled for Aug 2nd at our house but she had to reschedule it for Aug 7th. We left the meeting feeling energized and really excited about what was ahead.

Then - the bridge fell (I-35 over the Mississippi). My DH was ON THAT BRIDGE just hours before it went down. I feel sick just thinking about it. That put a dark cloud over our excitement. So many people were injured, missing, or lost. It is such a tragedy. I heard yesterday that they are still searching for 5 people. The water is so murky even the Navy divers are having a tough time seeing. It really puts things in perspective....

Our Many Blessings!

2007-07-21T18:21:00.000-06:00

I’ve got so many updates I’m not sure where to start!
God is truly blessing us!
Things have been going so well I’m scared that I’m dreaming!

We sent in our completed Self-Studies on 7/13 (yep – Friday the 13th!)
I got an email from our agency coordinator the following Monday confirming that she had everything and would be assigning us our social worker who would contact us within the week (HOORAY!)

On Friday I received an email from our social worker – Laura. She introduced herself and gave us a list of available times for our Home-Study meetings. I was so excited I called my DH immediately! Then I called Laura back to confirm some times for our 2 meetings. I bet she thought I was nuts because I was SO excited! (I’m hoping she gets that all the time)

Its official – our first meeting is August 1st (my birthday!) at the agency – our second is at our home on August 2nd.

Laura said that she’s already read thru our file and doesn’t think there will be anything to worry about. She said that she is excited to meet us and see our home. She also pre-approved us for the required openness seminar without even meeting us! (We were previously told that we couldn’t attend until we had met with our SW at least once) That sounds like a really good sign, right?!?!

I was OVERJOYED after I talked with Laura. She sounded so upbeat … so WONDERFUL!!!! I can’t wait to meet her!

The next major thing that happened has to do with our basement.
When we built our house we didn’t finish the basement. After much discussion we decided that now was the time – we wanted it done before our children came home so we hired a company to do the work 2 months ago. It was supposed to be done already but the doors were on backorder. We finally ordered them from another supplier who also put them on backorder! UGH! After 2+ wks of not knowing when we’d get doors – and having all other work suspended - we were getting a little nervous.

As of Friday this isn’t a concern anymore. The contractor called and said that OUR DOORS WERE IN!!! (WHOO HOO!) That means that everything will be done by this THURSDAY! My prayers have been answered – our basement will be done before the Home-Study!!!!

As if that wasn’t enough good news … to add a little icing on the cake … my DH went to the local casino Friday night and won $400!

What a WONDERFUL way to end the week.

After enduring so many disappointments I’m savoring every moment of this remarkable thing called PURE JOY.
I know there will probably be some rough spots down the road – but right now – I FEEL FABULOUS!

I know in my heart that we are where we are supposed to be – God has lead us to this place – He is leading us to our children!

PAC & Self Study - part 2

2007-06-24T20:37:00.001-06:00

OOPS - I forgot to mention another part of the Self Study below.
There are also 2 reading assignments.
The first is a chapter on Transcultural Adoption in our Resource Manual; the second is any chapter in a book they provide (With Eyes Wide Open).
We have to read the chapters and then write up a report on each of them.
Luckily the reading is VERY interesting. Its not dry at all. Our agency really does a fantastic job of providing resources.

PAC & Self-Study

2007-06-24T20:05:00.000-06:00

Greetings!

I'm so sorry - Ive been horrible about keeping up. I will try and do better in the future!

Much has happened since April. Its been a WHIRLWIND! Let me bring you up-to-speed:

The week after our application was sent we received a letter from our agency confirming receipt. The letter also told us that we would probably be invited to the June or July PAC (pre-adoption classes) if our app looked good. The following week our agency called to invite us to the MAY PAC classes! We were so excited! Of course we jumped at the chance. Two weeks later we were at PAC. It was two days packed full of lectures, group sessions, panel discussions, etc. It was wonderful - but exhausting. It was fun meeting other people embarking on the “Adoption Adventure”. The majority of people there were in the International Program but there were about 20 in the Domestic Program.

During PAC we were given our SELF-STUDY HOMEWORK. (UGH – more paperwork!) This must be completed and submitted in order for us to be matched with a Social Worker. Once they review the SELF-STUDY the HOME STUDY will be scheduled.

In case you are curious here is a breakdown of the SELF-STUDY.(NOTE: For every question there are multiple sub-questions. Its VERY involved)

The GENERAL STUDY consists of 19 questions pertaining to your life from birth to present including: personal history, career, health, relationships, hobbies, community involvement, lifestyle, personal characteristics, coping skills, support system, parenting skills, permanency planning, attitudes / beliefs, cultural awareness / diversity, spiritual beliefs, finances, home, brushes with the law, strengths / weaknesses, etc.

The CULTURAL WORKSHEET consists of 8 questions pertaining to your cultural background, interaction with others from another culture, how have you learned about other cultures, what culturally diverse events do you participate in, etc.

TRANSRACIAL / TRANSCULTURAL PARENTING PLAN consist of 6 questions about cultural/racial awareness, role models, and racism.

OLDER CHILD (12months +) WORKSHEET contains 15 questions to help assess your readiness to transition an older child into your family.

And last but not least - the SPECIAL CONCERNS CHECKLIST - which is a 1-pager that lists a gazillion medical & background issues that you need to rate on a scale of 1(comfortable) to 3(am not open to this).

As you can imagine – we’re MENTALLY EXHAUSTED from answering the questions. Its really draining. We've been working on it off-and-on for a month now - and am almost finished. We got a ton done on it today and am hopeful that we will finish tomorrow (my fingers are crossed).

During this time we were also interviewing contractors to finish our basement (We thought it would be a good idea to get it done before the home-study). We found a fantastic company and they've been working on it for the last 2wks. They are supposed to be done the wk of 7/11. We are so excited! Its really fun to see the basement morph each day.

Never a dull moment around here! What a ride!!!

Have a wonderful day!

Hurry up and wait

2007-04-17T17:03:00.000-06:00

I express mailed our COMPLETED application to our agency today.
They should receive it by noon tomorrow.
HOORAY!

It seems weird to hurry-hurry-hurry to make appts for fingerprinting, physicals, line up references, complete all the paperwork and now ..... we .... wait ......

I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing or there is something I forgot to do .... (oh please not that!)

I'm not good at waiting (I get that from my Father) ;-)
I pray for patience as I know this process could take a LONG time .....
I hope God has a little extra to send my way..........

NEXT STEPS: If the agency likes what they see we get invited to the mandatory 2-day seminar at our agency. Stay tuned ....

Letting Go

2007-04-16T20:21:00.000-06:00

How do you let go of a dream?

My dream: To create a child(ren) with my DH and experience labor/delivery. Letting go of that dream has been something I’ve been struggling with.

My DH and I decided that a huge step towards letting go would be to sell our CBEasy Fertility Monitor on Ebay. It had been sitting on the shelf in the closet – a constant reminder of “what should have been”. We weren’t using it anymore and thought it would be wonderful if we could pass it on to someone that really needed one. After all it did help us achieve pregnancy 3 times (unfortunately my body just wouldn’t/couldn’t sustain anything for longer than 12 wks). So we took a chance and posted it on Ebay --- and recouped 50% of the original price!

(NOTE: If any of you have one at home collecting dust you should consider Ebay. We had over 30 bids on ours so there really are a bunch of people out there looking for one)

Letting go of my CBE FM was very liberating. I thought I had “letting go” licked but something happened last week that dragged me back.

Last Monday my best friend “R” gave birth to an amazing baby boy. I went to the hospital to meet this new little life and was just astounded at the emotions I went thru. I immediately fell in love with him (of course) but – I had an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me as I held him (my heart actually ached!)

As I looked at “R” I just couldn’t stand the fact that “THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME!”
I would never carry a baby to term.
I would never be in a maternity ward delivering a baby.
I would never be blessed with a labor/delivery experience.

Don’t get me wrong – I was overjoyed for “R. I couldn’t have been happier for her if I tried. I really did try to push those thoughts from my head but I just couldn’t.
I kept the tears at bay until I walked to my car. Then the dam opened and my heart wept. I cried the whole way home. My DH must have expected my reaction as he was waiting for me with a BIG HUG.

A week has now passed and the feeling of loss has resolved itself. I now feel nothing but joy when I hold that little guy (he really is adorable!)

Focusing on the adoption paperwork has been my salvation.

ADOPTION APPLICATION UPDATE: All of our paper work is done! Im going to make copies and overnight to our agency tomorrow. How exciting!!!

Its official!

2007-04-04T09:20:00.000-06:00

Our adoption journey has begun! We are officially registered in the Domestic Infant Adoption Program at our agency.

We attended one last info meeting yesterday and registered to begin the process. 17 other couples at the meeting also registered (majority for international).

During the break my DH and I were chatting with a woman seated near us. She had chosen the domestic infant program too. I couldnt help but think "This is our competition." Is that wrong?

When we got to the meeting it was raining. During the meeting it changed over to ice/snow. By the time we left everything was covered in ice! The roads were a mess.... cars in the ditch everywhere ... crashed into barrier walls ... turned every direction ... it was scary! It was a white-knuckle trip home. Luckilly we made it in one piece (gottta love MN weather!)

Once home we read thru the application packet. How exciting! (and a bit scary)
We are both off from work (spring break) so we plan to dive right into the paperwork today.

Wish us luck!

2007-04-04T09:15:00.000-06:00

When enough is enough

2007-04-02T18:47:00.000-06:00

Cool - it worked!

Now .. the reason for me to get off the "lurking couch" and start putting my thoughts in writing...

After battling the “IF BEAST” (and getting our collective ass whooped) my DH and I have decided to stop all treatments and focus on ADOPTION to build our family. It took us a long time to get here but I’m so glad we did. I feel so LIBERATED – so FREE – so ALIVE – for the first time in years! We picked the 1yr anniversary of our last MC (4/3) as the date we sign with our agency. That horrible day will now be a day filled with hope as my DH and I are “reborn” into the world of adoption.

I wanted to document this journey in a blog as I know there are many out there that know volumns about adoption and will be a great support system for us. (I also know that there are others out there that are on the fence searching for someone to connect with. I hope I can be that somebody for somebody. I know how lonely it can be - and it doesnt have to be that way!)

We picked "The Spirit of Magnolia" as our name in memory of our lost children. After our first MC we planted a Merrill Magnolia tree in our front yard. Every spring it blooms with the most amazing huge white flowers. It is a living memorial to our babies that were never born.
I hope that one day - in the not too distant future - we will be planting another tree(s) in honor of our adopted child(ren).

Wish us luck for tomorrow. It should be a very exciting day!

(I hope to have a picture posted of our magnolia tree in full bloom soon. It really is beautiful!)

Why am I here?

2007-04-02T18:19:00.000-06:00

Greetings

First a little about me ...
I originally got hooked on blogging after stumbling upon http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ when searching for information on infertility.
That find was life changing for me. After years of dealing with infertility and struggling to cope with my 3 miscarriages I was finally able to connect with others that were going thru the same things I was! I felt an acceptance that I longed for and was able to gain strength from my fellow "Stirrup Queens". I will be eternally grateful to Melissa for creating that blog. It really did save me.

Now Ive decided to give blogging a try myself. I will explain the reasoning in another post - I want to publish this first to see if it actualy did work before I get too deep into this.

;-)