Letting Go
How do you let go of a dream?
My dream: To create a child(ren) with my DH and experience labor/delivery. Letting go of that dream has been something I’ve been struggling with.
My DH and I decided that a huge step towards letting go would be to sell our CBEasy Fertility Monitor on Ebay. It had been sitting on the shelf in the closet – a constant reminder of “what should have been”. We weren’t using it anymore and thought it would be wonderful if we could pass it on to someone that really needed one. After all it did help us achieve pregnancy 3 times (unfortunately my body just wouldn’t/couldn’t sustain anything for longer than 12 wks). So we took a chance and posted it on Ebay --- and recouped 50% of the original price!
(NOTE: If any of you have one at home collecting dust you should consider Ebay. We had over 30 bids on ours so there really are a bunch of people out there looking for one)
Letting go of my CBE FM was very liberating. I thought I had “letting go” licked but something happened last week that dragged me back.
Last Monday my best friend “R” gave birth to an amazing baby boy. I went to the hospital to meet this new little life and was just astounded at the emotions I went thru. I immediately fell in love with him (of course) but – I had an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me as I held him (my heart actually ached!)
As I looked at “R” I just couldn’t stand the fact that “THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME!”
I would never carry a baby to term.
I would never be in a maternity ward delivering a baby.
I would never be blessed with a labor/delivery experience.
Don’t get me wrong – I was overjoyed for “R. I couldn’t have been happier for her if I tried. I really did try to push those thoughts from my head but I just couldn’t.
I kept the tears at bay until I walked to my car. Then the dam opened and my heart wept. I cried the whole way home. My DH must have expected my reaction as he was waiting for me with a BIG HUG.
A week has now passed and the feeling of loss has resolved itself. I now feel nothing but joy when I hold that little guy (he really is adorable!)
Focusing on the adoption paperwork has been my salvation.
ADOPTION APPLICATION UPDATE: All of our paper work is done! Im going to make copies and overnight to our agency tomorrow. How exciting!!!
My dream: To create a child(ren) with my DH and experience labor/delivery. Letting go of that dream has been something I’ve been struggling with.
My DH and I decided that a huge step towards letting go would be to sell our CBEasy Fertility Monitor on Ebay. It had been sitting on the shelf in the closet – a constant reminder of “what should have been”. We weren’t using it anymore and thought it would be wonderful if we could pass it on to someone that really needed one. After all it did help us achieve pregnancy 3 times (unfortunately my body just wouldn’t/couldn’t sustain anything for longer than 12 wks). So we took a chance and posted it on Ebay --- and recouped 50% of the original price!
(NOTE: If any of you have one at home collecting dust you should consider Ebay. We had over 30 bids on ours so there really are a bunch of people out there looking for one)
Letting go of my CBE FM was very liberating. I thought I had “letting go” licked but something happened last week that dragged me back.
Last Monday my best friend “R” gave birth to an amazing baby boy. I went to the hospital to meet this new little life and was just astounded at the emotions I went thru. I immediately fell in love with him (of course) but – I had an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me as I held him (my heart actually ached!)
As I looked at “R” I just couldn’t stand the fact that “THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME!”
I would never carry a baby to term.
I would never be in a maternity ward delivering a baby.
I would never be blessed with a labor/delivery experience.
Don’t get me wrong – I was overjoyed for “R. I couldn’t have been happier for her if I tried. I really did try to push those thoughts from my head but I just couldn’t.
I kept the tears at bay until I walked to my car. Then the dam opened and my heart wept. I cried the whole way home. My DH must have expected my reaction as he was waiting for me with a BIG HUG.
A week has now passed and the feeling of loss has resolved itself. I now feel nothing but joy when I hold that little guy (he really is adorable!)
Focusing on the adoption paperwork has been my salvation.
ADOPTION APPLICATION UPDATE: All of our paper work is done! Im going to make copies and overnight to our agency tomorrow. How exciting!!!
posted by asheggy | 8:21 PM
2 Comments:
I found your blog thru "Stirrup Queens" and thanking God I did. This post makes me feel less alone, that is for sure. I am a Mom twice, through adoption. And even now, after more than 8 years of trying and "not, not" trying to conceive and as my son approaches a year old and I approach 40, the reality that I will not ever get this experience, the one time we get to really be a part of creation, well, it has set in and I'm struggling to make peace. THanks for your words. You are not alone... wishing you well on your journey to your family.
I am so sorry you are mourning; it's horrid what infertility does to us. HOWEVER, how exciting that you have gotten the paperwork in and are on your way to parenthood.
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