The Spirit of Magnolia

An infertility / adoption / pregnancy blog. After 3 MCs and IF testing (with no diagnosis) we shifted our focus to adoption. After being matched we discovered we were pregnant. After telling our agency about the pregnancy our match was severed. This is the story of our journey to parenthood.

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Location: Minnesota, United States

Friday, March 28, 2008

Revisiting a familiar pain...

First, let me start by saying I'm not in a very good place right now. Let me also add that drinking is NEVER the answer. but . tonight... it did muffle the pain a bit ...... (ugh - I cant believe I just said that!) I'm a little numb by a beer and a large quantity of wine tonight ... and I hate to admit it - but it helped!
Let's just say that I couldn't wait for the Stirrup Queen Sperm Palace Jesters Virtual Lushery .... (If you've never been .. you really should try it!), so I had to settle for the real thing tonight....

Let me preface this by saying that in MN you never see your neighbors during the winter. People have a tendency to hibernate during the long, cold winters. Well, today .... it was actually pretty nice out. My DH and my DD (dear dog) took a long walk after work today. When we returned we ran into our next door neighbors ... who we haven't seen since fall due to the nasty winter we've had. As you can imagine we were very surprised to see her HUGE BELLY sticking out at us when we saw her. She's been PG for months and we never knew.

Granted, they know about our miscarriages and our adoption plans ... but they were oh so happy to see us tonight and inform us that it was all a big surprise for them (yep - order up that salt - right over here ) and that they weren't even trying (ok - rub that salt in just a little more why dont'ha - more pressure please) it just seemed to happen this time all on its own (skip the salt - just insert knife and turn... then turn again and again and again).
Keep in mind that they already have two of the most adorable girls anyone could ever hope for ... oh ... and by the way ... this time they found out early .. it's a boy. (but of course it is!)
(disclaimer - these are the most amazing neighbors ever and we love them dearly. I'm just a crazy infertile ranting because, yet again, I am reminded of what I will never have... and am now aware that I will be reminded of it all summer until the baby comes)


Ever since we've built this house Ive had three - yes, three miscarriages - but I was privileged enough to live through ALL my neighbors having babies (lucky me!).
First there was the neighbor across the street that had a boy, then my neighbor next door had a girl, then my other neighbor across the street had a girl, then my other next door neighbors had their first grandchild, then my original neighbor across the street had ANOTHER boy, and now my neighbor next door is due with a boy this summer! Not to mention the neighbor behind me had a boy last year and a multitude of neighbors in the area are having a gazillion kids - all while I GET NOTHING!

Yep - I'm feeling really sorry for myself right now. and. yep - Ive been crying for the past 4 hours. THIS SUCKS!!!!
This makes two separate neighbors that will have had two babies EACH all while we've been waiting for one adoption! How can that be fair!!! ARG!!!!!!!!

OK - now don't get me wrong - I am elated that they are so blessed ... I'm just feeling HORRID that we are so cursed.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel tonight .... I'm just going to go to bed a sleep it off. Perhaps things will look better in the morning..... (I sure hope so ......) Will this pain ever end??????

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A new meaning for the word PAIN

After 7 long years of suffering to work up my courage to do it ... I finally had my tonsils removed!

Surgery was on 2/27/08, a month ago today, and I'm STILL recovering! I was able to go back to work 2wks after surgery but I'm still not 100% yet. Luckily, each day gets a little better than the last.

If you (or someone you know) is in their late 30's and is contemplating having their tonsils removed .... be really really sure that you are ready for a pain like nothing you've ever experienced (and make sure you take, at the very least, a 2-week vacation from everything!)

Granted, I am absolutely thrilled that I finally had the surgery. I can already tell that it has changed my life - for the better! Especially after the surgeon said that once he got my tonsils out they were "more nasty then he had originally thought". (YIKES!)

Now the really scary part ....
I cant help but wonder, in the very back dark places of my mind, that my toxic tonsils were poisoning my body and were ultimately the root cause of my miscarriages. Could it be that simple???

After years passing and finally deciding on adoption instead of ttsp (trying to stay pregnant), I find it odd that I'm still trying to find someone (or something) to blame for my miscarriages! If only the Dr's could have told me WHY... maybe then I could let it go .... UGH - I hate feeling like this..... I wonder if it will ever go away ....