The Spirit of Magnolia

An infertility / adoption / pregnancy blog. After 3 MCs and IF testing (with no diagnosis) we shifted our focus to adoption. After being matched we discovered we were pregnant. After telling our agency about the pregnancy our match was severed. This is the story of our journey to parenthood.

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Location: Minnesota, United States

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Hurry up and wait

I express mailed our COMPLETED application to our agency today.
They should receive it by noon tomorrow.

It seems weird to hurry-hurry-hurry to make appts for fingerprinting, physicals, line up references, complete all the paperwork and now ..... we .... wait ......

I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing or there is something I forgot to do .... (oh please not that!)

I'm not good at waiting (I get that from my Father) ;-)
I pray for patience as I know this process could take a LONG time .....
I hope God has a little extra to send my way..........

NEXT STEPS: If the agency likes what they see we get invited to the mandatory 2-day seminar at our agency. Stay tuned ....

Monday, April 16, 2007

Letting Go

How do you let go of a dream?

My dream: To create a child(ren) with my DH and experience labor/delivery. Letting go of that dream has been something I’ve been struggling with.

My DH and I decided that a huge step towards letting go would be to sell our CBEasy Fertility Monitor on Ebay. It had been sitting on the shelf in the closet – a constant reminder of “what should have been”. We weren’t using it anymore and thought it would be wonderful if we could pass it on to someone that really needed one. After all it did help us achieve pregnancy 3 times (unfortunately my body just wouldn’t/couldn’t sustain anything for longer than 12 wks). So we took a chance and posted it on Ebay --- and recouped 50% of the original price!

(NOTE: If any of you have one at home collecting dust you should consider Ebay. We had over 30 bids on ours so there really are a bunch of people out there looking for one)

Letting go of my CBE FM was very liberating. I thought I had “letting go” licked but something happened last week that dragged me back.

Last Monday my best friend “R” gave birth to an amazing baby boy. I went to the hospital to meet this new little life and was just astounded at the emotions I went thru. I immediately fell in love with him (of course) but – I had an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me as I held him (my heart actually ached!)

As I looked at “R” I just couldn’t stand the fact that “THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME!”
I would never carry a baby to term.
I would never be in a maternity ward delivering a baby.
I would never be blessed with a labor/delivery experience.

Don’t get me wrong – I was overjoyed for “R. I couldn’t have been happier for her if I tried. I really did try to push those thoughts from my head but I just couldn’t.
I kept the tears at bay until I walked to my car. Then the dam opened and my heart wept. I cried the whole way home. My DH must have expected my reaction as he was waiting for me with a BIG HUG.

A week has now passed and the feeling of loss has resolved itself. I now feel nothing but joy when I hold that little guy (he really is adorable!)

Focusing on the adoption paperwork has been my salvation.

ADOPTION APPLICATION UPDATE: All of our paper work is done! Im going to make copies and overnight to our agency tomorrow. How exciting!!!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Its official!

Our adoption journey has begun! We are officially registered in the Domestic Infant Adoption Program at our agency.

We attended one last info meeting yesterday and registered to begin the process. 17 other couples at the meeting also registered (majority for international).

During the break my DH and I were chatting with a woman seated near us. She had chosen the domestic infant program too. I couldnt help but think "This is our competition." Is that wrong?

When we got to the meeting it was raining. During the meeting it changed over to ice/snow. By the time we left everything was covered in ice! The roads were a mess.... cars in the ditch everywhere ... crashed into barrier walls ... turned every direction ... it was scary! It was a white-knuckle trip home. Luckilly we made it in one piece (gottta love MN weather!)

Once home we read thru the application packet. How exciting! (and a bit scary)
We are both off from work (spring break) so we plan to dive right into the paperwork today.

Wish us luck!

Monday, April 02, 2007

When enough is enough

Cool - it worked!
Now .. the reason for me to get off the "lurking couch" and start putting my thoughts in writing...

After battling the “IF BEAST” (and getting our collective ass whooped) my DH and I have decided to stop all treatments and focus on ADOPTION to build our family. It took us a long time to get here but I’m so glad we did. I feel so LIBERATED – so FREE – so ALIVE – for the first time in years! We picked the 1yr anniversary of our last MC (4/3) as the date we sign with our agency. That horrible day will now be a day filled with hope as my DH and I are “reborn” into the world of adoption.

I wanted to document this journey in a blog as I know there are many out there that know volumns about adoption and will be a great support system for us. (I also know that there are others out there that are on the fence searching for someone to connect with. I hope I can be that somebody for somebody. I know how lonely it can be - and it doesnt have to be that way!)

We picked "The Spirit of Magnolia" as our name in memory of our lost children. After our first MC we planted a Merrill Magnolia tree in our front yard. Every spring it blooms with the most amazing huge white flowers. It is a living memorial to our babies that were never born.
I hope that one day - in the not too distant future - we will be planting another tree(s) in honor of our adopted child(ren).

Wish us luck for tomorrow. It should be a very exciting day!

(I hope to have a picture posted of our magnolia tree in full bloom soon. It really is beautiful!)

Why am I here?


First a little about me ...
I originally got hooked on blogging after stumbling upon when searching for information on infertility.
That find was life changing for me. After years of dealing with infertility and struggling to cope with my 3 miscarriages I was finally able to connect with others that were going thru the same things I was! I felt an acceptance that I longed for and was able to gain strength from my fellow "Stirrup Queens". I will be eternally grateful to Melissa for creating that blog. It really did save me.

Now Ive decided to give blogging a try myself. I will explain the reasoning in another post - I want to publish this first to see if it actualy did work before I get too deep into this.